Dependance

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ’em in quotations
S
ay what you need to say …
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say-John Mayer

Sometimes I feel like we as people force ourselves into some sort of perpetual loneliness. Maybe that isn’t a groundbreaking discovery for mankind, it really isn’t anything new for myself, but maybe I have a new angle on it. I have this thing where I kind of wallow in loneliness from time to time, and I know this isn’t a problem that only I have. But even knowing this I have seen myself as lonely more because of some sort of outside force, and then a little bit because of my choosing to be. That wouldn’t be wrong every time, I mean life is out of our control and very much can thrust loneliness upon me, but I am coming to realize that I just as often (if not more) am driving myself into loneliness.

I am not referring to the loneliness (or relief) of cancelling plans with friends to stay in on a Netflix date for one, (something I am guilty of) I am referring to a much more secret attack, a malicious sugar coated self attack. It’s this lie that I am meant to do everything alone. But that isn’t the way that i say it to myself, it sounds much more courageous when we say it, it sounds more independent. My whole life I have been haunted by this thought that I am only strong with others around me, and as soon as I am alone I fall into sin and become a person I hate. I have spent so much time trying to be “strong” enough on my own, working towards a place I no longer need anyone. Wait hear that one more time. Working towards a place I no longer need anyone. That is so completely depressing. I have been intentionally working towards being a person who can live all alone, be self supporting, self dependant, and selfish if I am honest. These valiant thoughts are merely self serving when I say them aloud. I secretly hate the idea of sharing my success, I am fearful of being open with everyone in my brokenness, someone leaving is simply terrifying, and if i could only be strong enough alone it would all be easy.
Jesus, the son of God, surrounded himself with people. The Holy Trinity is a relationship. God gave us the Church for community and fellowship. Yet I choose to live a life with an end goal shamefully similar to a hermit. How do I break myself off of this crash course I refer to as a perpetual loneliness? Well, there is only one way. Become dependant. Listen I am sure this sounds stupid, and I am also sure that someone reading this might subscribe to a movement based on independence and arguing in a stream of facebook comments. But hear me out, can we please all become dependant people with times of independence in a world of independent people who choose dependance when it benefits them. I do not think independence is true life people. I believe with my whole heart that independence is blown way out of proportion and quite frankly is just a carrot dangling in your face which you will never reach. I know, we have to be adults and make choices for ourselves. But in myself I am not so much looking for a change of action but a change in the way I mentally think of myself. I need to stop seeing independence as more of a strength than dependance. Let me put it this way. How many marriages have failed because of dependance on each other? How many Oscars speeches do you hear that say “I’d like to thank myself.” How many of us have our life figured out right now? Nothing has ever been completed, from start to finish, by one person without the help of someone else. Everything we do is a product of the life and people we have experienced. No matter how hard you try you are completely dependant. Full independance is something you can never catch. You can die at any second, you have no choice in that. Does that sound like a person who has full independence to you?
Let us all learn how to love. How many songs have to be written? Can’t we just put ourselves aside? Our selfishness aside? Our independence aside? I want to depend on my friends, my family, my girlfriend. True relationship will begin there and only there. I truly want to put my independence away and begin life away from loneliness. As it is Christmas I think about togetherness. I don’t know if your family brings your rest or stress, but I do know that even if you can’t see it, you need them. Yes they will let you down, and yes you will get hurt, but you will live, and love, in a way you never had with loneliness being a thing of the past.
Finally, I want to be a man that depends on God. When it says that I must become like a little kid to enter the kingdom of God (Matthew 18) I see a man who depends on his Father for all things. I want to align my life with the will of God and to do so I must throw off this image of an independent man, and see myself as a slave to righteousness. (Romans 6)
Rock on
Fish
P.S. I hope you all can see in this season Jesus came not to die but to live. Without the life He lived His death would be nothing and we would have nothing. He lived His life and became a sacrifice so we might live more fully covered I  grace. He loves you. Merry Christmas.
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